


Breaking News

by py_pippi_pixy



Category: The Colbert Report, The Daily Show
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 08:19:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18824803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/py_pippi_pixy/pseuds/py_pippi_pixy
Summary: There's always time for at least one more spat, even if it is the Rapture.A/N: Written for floorcandy in apocalyptothon. Raëlians and beta by bammel.





	Breaking News

_That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left. (Matthew 24:36-41)_  
  
It was most definitely the first emergency broadcast of anything at Comedy Central, much less a live breaking news update. Jesus had been sighted, and  _The Daily Show_  was responsible for breaking the news to drunk twenty-somethings. It was going to be pretty hard on the production staff, since the interns were responsible for a realistic looking appearance in the clouds surrounded by trumpeting angels and two hundred and eighteen members of Congress, but Jon Stewart was confident in their abilities. Checking his hair one last time in the desk's surface, he turned around to face the world. Or at least his demographic.  
  
The theme music started, the opening graphics were put up, and he -  
  
He was interrupted by cackling off-stage.  
  
Extremely familiar cackling. At a decibel level he hadn't heard since the Supreme Court announced their decision in 2004.  
  
"And as we have carried around the image of the man in dust, we shall also carry the image of the heavenly Man! Listen up, people, flesh cannot inherit the kingdom of God; nor does liberalism inherit conservatism! O Democrats, where is your sting? O Obama, where is your victory? Behold -"  
  
"Stephen, what are you doing here? I thought you'd be at church by now."  
  
"Unlikely!" Colbert shouted, rounding onto the set. "Do you really think I would let a once in a lifetime,  _literally_ , chance like this go?"  
  
"Seriously, though, there's zombies in the streets and people getting beamed to the mothership left and right, and you're at  _work_? If the rapture beam hits you in here, you might get stuck in the ceiling."  
  
"Sarah Palin's still on the radio, and as long as she's still here I've got some extra time. Extra time for gloating."  
  
Stewart just sighed - he should have seen this coming. Although, really, what kind of Leibowitz anticipated crazy shit like the Rapture actually happening? Rabbi Mazur for sure hadn't covered it.  
  
"I'll be in heaven, strumming a harp while beautiful angels bring me American-brewed beer, and you'll be stuck down here with a few sixes on your forehead, stuck with Larry King back-to-back with your time-slot."  
  
"There are worse things," Stewart sighed, watching Colbert lounge on his broadcasting desk. "I could be stuck with Pat Robertson guest-starring - that guy can kill a good plague joke deader than a fish in Egypt."  
  
"That's just what's wrong with you people," Colbert shouted, snapping upright and glaring at Stewart.  
  
"Excuse me? You people?"  
  
"Liberals!" Stephen said, pointing at Jon. "We'll finally escape your pernicious influence, your health care and your tax increases, because in the Democracy of the Lord, which will obviously be run by the '08 ticket, we won't have to worry about either of those things."  
  
Stewart sighed and looked around for the interns; they were supposed to be setting up the feed by now. And where were those graphics?  
  
He was startled, but not necessarily surprised, to see the majority of the college students floating towards the studio's emergency exits, and his main camera-man engaged in what seemed to be a life or death battle with the shambling corpse of Ronald Reagan, being pushed into the halls by the zombie's relentless cries of "Tear down this wall!"   
  
"Shit, what about my broadcast?"  
  
"Don't worry," Colbert said. "I still have an agnostic production assistant running around back-stage; I'll let you have him for a co-host position."  
  
"No chance," Stewart spat. "I have the report of a lifetime and a favorably liberal group of Emmy voters - if this goes well, they might even ask me to host the Oscars again!"  
  
"The critics still won't like it!" Colbert shouted, pushing at Stewart's rolling chair with his heels.  
  
Stewart glared at Stephen, the same expression that he had leveled at Chris Matthews, making Colbert consider that he might have crossed a line. Fortunately, he never admitted mistakes  _or_ defeat, so he was able to plow ahead.  
  
"If you don't let me, I'll just go ahead and rocket off to eternal bliss and take the godless assistant with me!" Colbert shouted. This time, though, he took precautionary measures and moved off the desk, away from where Jon could easily retaliate with a well-placed coffee mug.  
  
"How, exactly, will you manage that?" Stewart asked, gesturing for said assistant to go ahead and start the camera. He decided that, Colbert or no Colbert, he was going to broadcast this program.   
  
"I'll just grab his arm!"  
  
Just as they both started running over to fight over the third man, the agnostic started to float towards the door. He waved goodbye and popped out of sight, leaving behind the two comedy news anchors in an empty room, slack-jawed and teleprompter-less.   
  
"Huh," Stewart said. "Looks like godless liberals are up for grabs too."  
  
"This can't be right!" Colbert screamed, beginning to pace around the set. "How am I still here? I did everything Jesus told me to! I went to church every week, I put atheists on the Threat Down, I rigged the God Machine! I voted for Bush twice and McCain three times!"  
  
"Wait, what?"  
  
"I even donated to Palin's campaign! With a  _real check_!"  
  
"What campaign?" Stewart asked. "Three times? It's a violation of your contract not to tell me conservative secrets!"  
  
"This can't be the Rapture!" Colbert said, casting about for a laptop or remote control. "Has the pope disappeared yet? If he's still here maybe I have a chance!"  
  
He grabbed the control for the projection screen and began mashing the keys. With a fizzle of static, Samantha Bee appeared on the screen, broadcasting in from the streets.  
  
"Jon!" she said. "I thought I was supposed to do my segment five minutes ago!"  
  
"We had some problems with the tech people. Basically, they all got Rapture'd," Stewart said, wrestling the remote away from Colbert's sweaty grasp. "Stephen got the connection to work - what's going on down there?"  
  
" _Well_!" Samantha chirped. "Gandhi, Lincoln, and Hitler were all sighted downtown, and the man on the street interviews I've been conducting have been dominated by topless hippies. Public transportation has completely shut down, and Starbucks city-wide are being looted.  _Also_ , there's a group of Raëlians claiming that this isn't the Rapture, it's actually their cloning and teleportation technology being put into place, in preparation for contact with the Elohim. Oh, and there's a great Doomsday sale going on at Macy's, sooooo if you don't need anything else, I'm going to go ahead and sign off. This has been Samantha Bee, bringing you the updates!"  
  
The screen went blank and both men were left standing there, gaping at the screen.  
  
"Well," Stewart finally said, "at least it wasn't Scientologists."


End file.
